Read 2-3 weeks in the war
Right now you are probably feeling at least some positive or pleasant things, such as feeling “more like yourself” or having an “easier time connecting with others.”
In the same moment, though, you are going through withdrawal effects; experiencing sensations and emotions that are more unusual and less comfortable.
At some point in the middle of this richly evolving, changing experience of yours, you notice that familiar create having welling up inside again: a growing hunger to have that experience one more time. To use again.
Most often – like almost always – we’ve noticed how this kind of an urge or craving is taken for granted as having something to do with (or even being equivalent to) “what we want” – as in, “oh no – there it comes…my desire to use is back. What do I do?!”
LIMITED OPTIONS, LIMITED FREEDOM
In this case, if that is how we’re thinking about it, there are really only two options: wrestle with “your desire” or follow it.
URGE = ME = WHAT I WANT
Its so extremely common for people to automatically treat an urge as “what they really want” or somehow a “part of themselves.” And that’s also why it’s so common for people to think they have to resist “what they really want” or a “part of themselves” to walk away from porn.
Do you believe that? If you don’t right now, you probably have before.
Because we all do at some point. And that means big mind games that confuse us and throw up serious roadblocks to any sort of lasting freedom.
As long as we take urges and cravings for granted as a reflection of our true selves or true desires, our recovery and freedom will likely only come in haltering and faltering bits and pieces.
In that spot, once again, the only real choice is: do I follow the internal desire…or not?
FIGHTING “OURSELVES”
As we all know: There’s only so much “fighting ourselves” that any of us can stomach.
People exhaust themselves pretty quickly after “fighting” their own desire over and over. If that’s really what we’re up against, wearing out like this makes a lot of sense.
But returning to our main point: What if an urge isn’t a part of who we really are? What if, instead, it’s a bundle of sensations passing through? Something we are experiencing, rather than something we are?
GETTING CURIOUS
If THAT is the case, then we’ve opened up for ourselves exciting additional options…including this one: Rather than resisting and fighting an urge, we can get curious and watch cravings and urges that arise as passing events – and not merely a part of you!
Rather than just “do I follow this desire or not,” an entirely new choice arises: Is this really what I want… or not?
Did you catch that? Rather than deciding whether to follow “your own desire,” you’re now deciding what is your desire. And that’s a whole different situation – not nearly so painful or hard.
And it’s not so scary either: You see, whatever sensations or emotions that come up in your experience are not a problem. You can feel them, without following them.
What you do, is up to you.
A FRESH APPROACH
Bottom line: As soon as we realize that this has never been about fighting ourselves at all, we’re setting ourselves on a completely new path – free of those impossible and impassable roadblocks.
The best part about this all is that as SOON as you can shift into a place of seeing and experiencing these physiological sensations as sensations…as soon as that happens, something shifts inside. Specifically, the allure and hold of this experience over your mind changes – sometimes profoundly and even sometimes immediately.
Don’t misunderstand: this will take practice - even a lot o f practice! But it’s so worth it. In fact, once an urge passes – really passes – often the desire to use isn’t there anymore. When those sensations go away, so does the inclination to use. And once these urges do pass, you can possibly start seeing what your TRUE desires are.
And that can be really surprising for someone who always assumed that “Urge = Desire = Me.”
You don’t need to believe this. Try it yourself: notice that urge coming up and experience it for what it is: an urge. Just an urge. Just a physiological sensation.
Not your desire. And not who you are.
That still doesn’t make this easy. These kinds of physical sensations and emotions can feel so overwhelming, that it can be super easy to slip back into labeling them as, simply put, “your desire.”
But you don’t have to…you now have another option. And that’s really good news.