How do I stop caring so much about other people's opinions?

#1

Hello everyone and happy Labor Day!

As much as I would like to start off this war in a happy, upbeat way, I’ve just been hit with a lot of problems recently and I’m worried about allowing such problems control me.

Ever since I first got a stepmom about a decade ago, I’ve made it my life’s mission to make her happy and be the best stepson I could possibly be. This war is a clear example of how far I’m willing to go accomplish that goal. However, these past couple weeks have been difficult as the woman I’ve made it my life’s mission to keep happy now disregards everything I do, calls me stupid, and makes it seem like all my efforts in the past decade were for nothing. It doesn’t help that my dad and her think alike in just about everything so I can’t depend on either of them for help without being reminded of my failures. I won’t disregard what they say because I know in some cases I do and say stupid things and there are times that I’m incompetent, but I just hate being reminded of it day after day and they completely forget about all the good I do for them.

I just want to reach the point where I take their criticisms into account, but not allow it to affect me psychologically and throw me into depressive states and become someone competent for once. Will NoFap help me with this. Should I look into meditation. I’m willing to try anything at this point before I consider the option of just packing my bags and moving out.

#2

I don’t know how old you are but you are quite brave to seek help in such a problem.
You have my respect, I wasn’t able to share this kind of matters with anyone and kept it all to myself, which frankly isn’t the best idea.

It appears to me that you’ve made your stepmom the center of your life.
If you don’t want to change that, building an impenetrable self-confidence and independence is the key.
Perspective is important as well.
I too have parents that are way too critical and praise scarcely, for a long time their constant reminders of my failures shaped how I view myself. Only after letting go off their judgement and deriving my worth from principles and values set by myself could I escape the heavy weight of their opinions.

To answer your questions -
NoFap can increase your confidence and
Meditation helps a lot in regards of one’s control of thoughts,
but I’d first suggest talking it thought with them if you can (I know this can seems impossible, but give it time.)

#3

To answer your first sentence, I am what could be considered as a young adult. That’s all I’m willing to share.

I would like to move away from from making my stepmom the center of my life if I can. It’s been getting obsessive lately from my point of view and it has devolved into a “prove my worth” complex as I gauge my worth based on her approval. However, since my real mother died when I was an infant, making her the only mother figure I had growing up, and I had this mindset since the past decade, it will be difficult to move on from something so deeply rooted in my psyche.

The biggest problem I have with myself is that I lack independence and self-confidence like you mentioned and also, I am incapable of making my own decisions and going my own way as I just simply don’t know how to. I really want to improve on this as I don’t see myself lasting long outside the house once I move out. I can’t keep on calling mommy and daddy for every little decision, right :sweat_smile:? I would love for an opportunity to sit down and talk with them about it, but no matter if I approach them nicely and with respect or aggressively, it will always end the same way with them constantly interrupting me, not wanting to listen to my side, and giving me the same tired response of figuring it out for myself while they remind me of how I’m a failure.
Even though I have problems with both of them now, I can’t forget the fact that they were very good parents and they meant well with raising me and I will never disregard everything they’ve done for me over a petty fight. It’s just that it seems that they have no intention of listening or helping me out with these problems hence the reason why I come here for answers.

#4

@ShadowOfTheTrueSelf I’m glad to share what advice I can give.

Whatever your mindset has been, every moment you can choose to either reaffirm that mindset or start forging a new one from the metal inside of you. You recognize that idealizing your step-mom is neither helpful for you or fair to her, so I think you’ve already begun to start forging.

I hear this often and I understand the fear of failure. But need be nothing scary about failure. The only thing scary is to not try. The only thing stupid is to let fear of failure paralyze you forever. “Show me a person who has never made a mistake, and I will show you a person who has never learned anything.” Make your mistakes courageously because that is the only way you will learn how to stand on your own two feet in this world. Nobody knows what to do when they’re young, so go out and make your mistakes. The sooner, the better. When you’re my age (36) the world can be less understanding. Never take your mistakes too seriously. We’re all like half-baked cookies – in the process of being made into something good.

When a young man starts to become an adult, it is natural for there to be friction with his parents. That’s a phase in all young men’s lives. It is a sign that it’s time for you to get out and stand on your own two feet. So be courageous and know that you’re in good company. Lots of young men are experiencing the same thing you are right now.

Nowhere in the book of life is it written that you must live perfectly. All you must do is live in a way consistent with your own values so you don’t die full of regret. If you don’t yet know what those values are, it’s worth sitting down and thinking about it. List them up – the things you believe in – and cling to them when you’re not certain what to do. Let these values guide you instead of the opinions of others, which change direction as often as the blowing wind.

Take a read over the lyrics to the song “My Way” as sung by Frank Sinatra. His generation of men made a lot of mistakes as a group, but they left quite a few lessons for those of us young ones to learn from:

#5

@Raku
Man, I don’t know what to say. This was some great advice. I tried applying some of these since yesterday and I am already starting to feel better. It feels weird and admittedly lonely trying to make my own decisions and chart my own path without my parent’s approval, but I know at some point I will have to do it and it’s better now or never.
So this is what stretching your wings before leaving the nest feels like :slight_smile: I’ll have to get used to this.
Thank you so much for your advice and helping me in this confusing and frustrating point in my life. In spirit of friendly competition, good luck to you and the Water Tribe.

#6

That you recognize it and aren’t letting the fear stop you is wonderful. Keep forging ahead for that is the only way to become the man your were meant to be! :slight_smile:

#7

Thanks to @Raku for his wise words on some of your problems.
I’ll will try to focus on answering from my experience to your question title : How do i stop caring so much about other people’s opinions?
Truth is, my friend, it is a bit complicated.
Independance and self-confidence. Those two takes time to achieve. But don’t be afraid. You need to gradually build your self-confidence and insurance. You slowly need to take responsability. When you start being responsible for something or someone, your insurance grows.
Maybe you should consider joining a sport club or get a small part time job? Help elders in your neighbourhood? Start working out?
If there is something you like doing on your own, or wish to learn, you should start looking around and see what you can do.
You will want to put your focus away from your stepmom. Find hobbys that can help you do this.
By doing so, you’ll worry less about your parent’s thoughts. They will start seeing changes in you as well and that might spark some positive comments. Their mindset will evolve.
You’re going throught tought times but you did the right thing to ask outside advices, that’s already something you can be pround of! You made the effort to reach out to the forum. Keep going and stay strong!

#8

@MustachMan
I’m sure it will be very complicated and difficult. I’m literally trying to move away from almost two decades of conditioning and routine and trying to go my own way without the approval and assurance of two very important people in my life!

I do have a part time job which ironically my stepmom also works at and helped me get into. Fortunately, our schedules are very different from each others so we’re rarely paired together.
Looking back, I do have a habit of being too obsessive about certain topics and hobbies and that also included my stepmom. I’m thinking the best thing I can do is try to meet up with other people that have similar hobbies to me and go from there. The only problem with that is that they’re not many opportunities in my area for such meetups to occur. The fact that I’m socially awkward doesn’t really help either. To put it shortly, online meetups seems to be the only way. Either way, I’m thinking interacting more with other people will also help me move on from my parents.
Thank you for your advice, mustached gentleman!

#9

There’s already some phenomenal advice above by some great people. I’ll share my abstract version/mindset advice that helped me whether or not specific to situations, for I can understand and relate to some of the things you talk about, and I still think too much sometimes!
The better I’ve become at viewing things in life objectively, (after what’s been far too long of an emotional roller coaster followed by a burn out into almost cynicism over the past years of my life, then landing into a positive outlook from within towards the rest of life), the less intense and often are the random thoughts, or “stories” as I now call them, that I get in my mind of “this person thinks this”, or " I should’ve done that, now x=y," in the social context, be it really important family, relationships, business. I share the most IMPORTANT thing that’s helped me-
Build your self esteem! Build the self confidence that is SOURCED AND SUSTAINED BY YOU!
For me, I realized that although I’ve never been petty at all, “insecurity” is a vast trait and good people can have insecurities too, and I had quite a mountain of insecurities. I soon couldn’t even reason what was an insecurity I was living and what was a real/addressable issue.
I set to work on them, chiefly by letting go, made positive affirmations and worked on my confidence, also confident that I’d never let ego take precedence and that I can still have the confidence I deserve and yet never be one for boasting. I found something amazing happened. As soon as I had removed all these senses of insecurity and boosted my personal confidence as well as broadened my perspective and thought about people more objectively with less expectations, I was free! Public speaking was easier, all relationships were healthier or at least easier to navigate and I wasn’t invested to a toxic degree in anyone, I didn’t care for anyone’s approval (yet still found love for people because it was clear of self), and the irrational, meaningless stories about what people surely thought or felt about me disappeared, and even if I were to be right on a rare occasion about someones negative perception, and if it was from someone I really cared about or in family even I realized it was about them as they view their life through their first person lens and nothing is ever about the identity of me, besides me. Only we can see our life through our own first person lens, and other people are seeing through theirs, so us seeking other people’s approval to the degree that we speak of is simply an old tool for development and acquisition that once helped us before we were self aware as a very young child, but we soon grow out of the need for this habit and we tend to hold on to these things when we don’t need them anymore for far too long! Hope that helps, and makes sense, I have a hard time making shorthand what I try to say:

Love yourself, grow your well of confidence, and the deeper it is thus the clearer the pool of your broad and wiser perspective of the world, see the truth behind the great advice of ‘don’t take anything personal’, and the more confident in yourself you are the magically easier it is! You won’t be worried about others approval so much. Things in life won’t be awkward because you flow with everything because you’ve got YOU taken care of! You are awesome. If I can grow out of a similar stressed mindset in an emotionally tough family situation, there’s no doubt in my mind you can! But what matters is that there is no doubt in yours. :slight_smile:

#10

Yeah, @Raku @MustacheMan @Spartacus they said it better than I ever could!

I know how hard it is to change these long embedded mindsets, but trust me, it is the greatest achievement.
Be patient, persistent and believe in yourself!
Good luck :slight_smile: