I wish I was less negative

#1

Hi,

This is the first NoPMO War I have participated in. I am going to post a message later today about some of the stumbling blocks I think I will face during this challenge. I would also to suport others with any challengs they face. First, though, I would like to apologise to you all in advance if my default communication style on here seems negative.

My mind has a strange tendency to wander as I formulate sentences. PMO in the past and anxiety disorder are conncted to this. I like talking to people, I wish I were good at it, but at the moment I am bit rubbish.

My main problem with talking to people online and in real life is that I am a negative reframer. I think this is due to many factors in my life including the fact that I had to repeat many argumentative telephone conversations as a young carer for a family member who is deaf. That wouldn’t happen to other young people today because of new assistive technology.

Hopefully if I am one of the surviviors in the NoPMO war, the abstinence will help improve my communication style. I wanted to apologise in advance before it causes friction. Also, to request any advice, because if I cure the negative reframing it will give me a boost in my social life, which I think would help with engaging with life instead of PMO.

Thanks for any advice.

#2

@Empath It’s a really important step that you’ve realized your problem with framing things negatively. Most people with such a problem look for the issue outside themselves.

I’m a very positive person by nature; I always see the best in others and tend to minimize my sensitivity to their faults. So I’m not sure if I’m the best person to give any advice, but since you opened up so awesomely, I’ll offer what I can.

First, it’s important to realize that for everything that happens, there are two versions: what really happened (of which we have partial knowledge) and the story we create around what happened. The negative framing is just one way to create a story around what happened, but it is very often not even true. For example, you might say hello to someone walking past you and they just continue walking without responding. The story you might tell yourself is some form of “they don’t like me for this or that reason” when, in reality, it could have been that they were so absorbed in thoughts about a pressing matter that they wouldn’t have even noticed a snake about to bite them.

So one possible trick is not only to give up your negative explanations and expectations, but to give up all explanations and expectations altogether, and just let reality be what it is. If you’d like to be happy, it might help to choose more positive stories, but if you already have a habit of creating negative stories, that will always be your default. So better to just give up trying to put reality in your own frame and just let it be.

If people avoid you, it doesn’t have to be because they don’t like you. If someone comes out and insults you or says something abusive so it is clear they don’t like you, such is life. What others think about us is their business, not ours.

I hope this helps. Good luck with this PMO War! I too hope we’re both standing alive on the last day. I survived the last war and taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically is very important for being able to resist the urge to relapse. Good luck!

#3

Thanks for your response, @Raku. I think similarly to you, and my wife thinks similarly to @Empath. I always struggled to put into words how I felt she viewed the world differently. Thanks to the both of you for your words.

#4

You’re welcome! My wife, too, often frames things negatively. It’s a habit that can only be transformed through months or years of slow and steady effort. But the effects are visible. My advice to anyone is to be patient with others who frame things negatively. You will find times when they see clearly and it is then that they are receptive to change.

I think, regardless though, it is important to love them just as they are. Whether they change or not.