I’ve been posting my support for others on here for the last couple of days. Time for me to level and share where I’m at.
I’ve struggled with PMO habituation for almost a decade and a half. The negatives were not apparent right away, but in reflection the descent into shame, guilt, and depression did not take that long. Over the years this slow sap of passion, energy, and will has had created difficulties in my own pursuits, interpersonal relationships, and mental state.
In the last year, I probably watched P about 10-15 times. I would like to end that. Although it is much better than my peak of 3+ times a day many years ago.
I have a healthier relationship to M now, but I am not comfortable with the content I fantasize about and really feel as though it only serves to detract from my romantic relationships. My current relationship is rough. We are both trying to reach each other but there are a number of things that we hold onto that are stopping us from authentically connecting - and M is one of the biggest contenders. Just the knowledge of that cuts deep.
I had a “lapse” three days ago. I put it in quotations because up until recently I haven’t been abstaining from M without P. I decided that I need a reset to see M clearly, and to decide if it has a place in my life. I know that it is not valuable the way I am currently using it, at the very least.
I am currently healing in many ways (emotionally, physically, and financially) due to a number of events in my life (some of them caused by my own choices, others external). Synchronicity, intuition, and a desire to reach greater heights has led me to redouble my efforts to develop a healthy relation to sexual expression.
Today, I feel broken. Crushed by the pain of all the necessary changes, and the wounds that don’t seem to let go. But I also have hope. I can’t explain where it came form, but its there. And today I will do everything I can to be there for my loved ones, my self, and my community.
Thanks all you for showing up and working to grow. This community is giving me a great deal of encouragement as I start preparing for the upcoming war.
Peace and Grace.