No PMO War XL

I recently met up with my last ex, who is loosely connected to one of my friend groups, but moved to another city after our relationship. We were all cool, so we meet up like once a year with our friends before Christmas. It was my third relationship over 6 months, and I would say my best one yet, but it still was pretty disappointing. The one I had before was traumatizing, because I was the textbook beta cuck whatever you call it, completely emasculated by an (sorry but true) ugly and undateable person. After I started to show the same patterns with my recent ex, she broke up, gladly, because she actually had a standard, so I didn't slide down that beta ramp for years again. But since I have not been able to get with a woman again, because I am projecting my fear of another relationship in the same broken patterns on these women in the form of fear of women in general. So now in our recent meeting, because I didn't view her through love lenses, I actually started to see things I didn't like about her. Things that lowered her from my pedestal. Things that were there 1,5 years ago when we were still together. Things I ignored. But suddenly, I am not the only one in our relationship who contributed to its demise, and it actually freed me to see, that she also wasn't perfect. I hope this will give me the closure to pursue my new crush, which I have not been able to ask out for months, because I had this fear of hurting her and myself again with these patterns of limiting self-esteem.
Whoever read this far, I take no responsibility for the time spent, I saw the need so I vented it out.😂
Have a great Sunday and a merry Christmas!