No PMO War XLVI

I must confess something I’ve been hiding for the past few days. Since my last 5 relapses (last post), I’ve avoided posting. I felt ashamed — deeply. I wanted to bury this failure, to crawl into a corner and pretend it never happened. I told myself I’d just carry on quietly and let it fade, like it never occurred. But that’s not who I’ve chosen to be. I made a promise — to myself, to you, and to God — to live with honesty and integrity. So here I am, not hiding anymore. Over the past 4 days, I’ve relapsed 10 times. This was a painful one for me. I had a solid streak — I was doing well, felt strong, and for once in a long time, I was clear-minded and present. I can’t even remember the last time I had such a long stretch without PMO. I was focused, grounded, and hopeful. But old patterns crept back in, slowly. After one single relapse, my brain got instantly re-hooked on that extreme external stimulation. After two weeks of barely any dopamine highs, it latched on like a starving addict. And before I knew it, I was back in the pit, lost in compulsive cycles. Ten sessions of porn and masturbation in four days. Gaming again. Staying up late. Straying from my diet. Avoiding study while my exams loom. It’s awful to admit this. I want to change — I truly do — but this addiction is relentless. It constantly whispers to me, trying to drag me back to the easiest source of dopamine. Today, I had some silent moments — no phone, no music, no distraction — and I truly felt the weight of what I’ve been doing. Why am I wasting my time watching others live (YT)? Why am I trading away my soul and energy to lust? I have my own life to build, my own future to create, and my studies are a sacred responsibility. Every time I sit down to study, there's a voice in me that says: “A little porn won’t hurt. A short game break is fine. You’ve got time.” But I know better. I don’t have time to waste. And if I need a break, there are better options: A walk with my dog. A conversation with my mom. A book. A puzzle. Prayer. Silence. Stillness. Anything but porn, games, or infinite scroll. I’m struggling. But struggle is not failure. Struggle is the furnace that forges something greater. If I can face these hard moments and not run… I will come out stronger. This relapse will not define me. The return from it will. 📖 Scripture that grounds me: Matthew 5:28 – “Anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart.” 1 John 2:16 – “The desires of the flesh and the eyes are not from the Father but from the world.” Galatians 5:16 – “Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Colossians 3:5 – “Put to death what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, evil desire...” 1 Peter 5:8 – “Be watchful. The devil prowls like a roaring lion.” 2 Timothy 2:22 – “Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness.” 1 Corinthians 6:18 – “Flee from sexual immorality.” 1 Peter 2:11 – “Abstain from passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” 🎯 Closing: If you’re reading this and you’re down bad too — I see you. Don’t give up. Confess it. Let go of the shame. Start again. I’m not proud of what I’ve done these past days, but I’m proud that I chose to stand up, speak out, and begin again. This is day 0, but also step 1 back to the light. We fall 7 times. We rise 8. I’m still walking the path of greatness. I’m just dusting myself off first. Let’s go again. 🙏🔥