Me again! I wanted to share something that happened to me when I started this new account, which was the war before last. Hopefully it resonates with at least one person who may be struggling right now.
I’ve been at both ends of the “success” spectrum when it comes to no-fap. Back in 2015 I went an entire year without PMO, and I’ve broadly had modest levels of success since. But then I’ve also slid back into periods of intense binging, giving into PMO whilst working from home is not my proudest accomplishment but I’ll admit here nonetheless.
So back to the war two years ago. I think I made it to two weeks, and then the cravings started. The first time was okay, I managed to avoid relapsing and assumed I’d wake up over it and continue on. But the next day they were stronger. I resisted and felt like I’d turned a corner, but then the following morning, I felt it all the same again.
I don’t remember how long it took before I gave in, probably maybe one more day (if that). I hadn’t said anything to the group, I just made a decision in the moment to go KIA before finally giving in. I decided that I couldn’t deal with the shame of PMOing whilst also fighting in the war.
That was the start of a pretty severe amount of binging, at least once a day with a smattering of streaks, not lasting longer than a week at most. And the worst part was that I convinced myself I was fine, it was all okay, nothing to see here.
But with that came all the same mental stresses. I felt I was objectifying women, boiling them down to their looks. I didn’t want to engage in any other entertainment, I just wanted to PMO, whilst convincing myself as we all do, that I could stop “any time.” But throughout all this my job was (and still is) going great, I was (and still am) in a great relationship with a wonderful human being, and my social circle was (and again still is) as lively and fulfilling as ever.
The thing I noticed was that it wasn’t enough. I’ve been struggling with my mental health, and I’m not saying it was all PMO (I have a history of anxiety and anxious attachment) but it sure as hell was a easy way out instead of confronting it.
So here I am. Sharing this because, as I’ve said in a previous post, I want to remain accountable. Writing this out has already removed any sense of cravings and urges I may have been feeling when I started, and I’m feeling pretty good about getting into bed now and having a good night’s sleep.
So if any of that resonates with you, please know that you’re not alone. And if you’re struggling with your own urges/cravings, deciding against PMOing right now is the right decision. If you do remain in this war, I’ll be there by your side until the end and then beyond, that’s my promise to you.
